A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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