saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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