I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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