I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
high people should be assigned attendants
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
