John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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