Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
