hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
