Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
