i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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