I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Barsexuality is the new black.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So squirting runs in the family.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
