Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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