When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
