atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
