At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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