you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
