How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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