I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
