So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
