I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
