He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
