3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
