Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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