My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
