I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
