he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
