I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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