You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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