maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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