i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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