What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
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