Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
All I want is dick and wine.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
