I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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