Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
