I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
