My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
