I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Randomize
