Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
