Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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