it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
