So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
