worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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