I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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