he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
