You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
