mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
