either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
