Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
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