You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
