dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
