Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
